Feeling out of place is such a normal feeling for me.

For as long as I have known myself, I have always felt like I did not belong. One of my earliest memories of feeling like I did not belong was when I was about 9 years old. I lived in Texas with my dad and his wife (mom 2) and my two sisters.

My Dad is a very light skinned man so is his wife and these 2 sisters. I am a brown skinned girl. When I was a kid, I seemed more chocolate mostly due to being outside more as a child.

We were headed somewhere this day. I just remember looking at them and thinking to myself, I don’t look like them. I don’t look like I belong with them. People will notice.

I believe that was the start of feeling like I didn’t belong.

This feeling went on through Jr High. I went to a new school for my last year of 8th grade year. I remember the “popular girl” at my new school tried to make me talk to this boy. She did not like my response to her attempting to tell me what to do.

Of course, she didn’t like me so neither did a lot of others because of that.

I just remember hating it. I went from being a popular girl at my old school. to becoming a bit of a loner at my new one. I just didn’t fit in. I didn’t really want to.

This continued through highschool to the point that I barely went to school and almost didn’t graduate. Back then I didn’t know what anxiety was. But now I know I was struggling. I would rather stay home and sleep than be at school with other people.

As an adult feeling like I don’t belong has developed into social anxiety. I feel like I don’t belong, or I am already being judged before I even walk into and event. Feeling like I am not fun enough or funny enough, smart enough accomplished enough.

When arriving at an event, I find the nearest corner and staying there for the rest of the night. I used to say I needed 2 drinks at an event. After that, I became a normal person.

I have not concurred this form of anxiety yet. To this day feeling out of place is still a battle outside of my core group of friends. I believe this also has a big impact on the why I have not made and genuine connections since moving to ATL,

I have come to understand this. In most cases, these feelings are more about me and what I think about myself. They are not about others. I sometime count myself out before anyone else can. I am working on that.

I have accepted that maybe I am right. I am different and I do not fit or maybe I just haven’t found the place where I fit yet. I don’t want to be anywhere where I have to change who I am to fit in. If I am being judged for being different it’s because that’s not where I belong and that is okay.

Thank you for reading my blog. If this is something you have experienced or are presently experiencing, please share how you are dealing with it. Or share how you have dealt with feeling out of place in the past.

xo, Kieks